Life Change

I have recently decided to change my career path. It has been a difficult process, but after a couple months, I decided to leave my internship program and move back home. My first month on duty was in the hardest rotation, but also the one that gave me the best idea of what the rest of my medical training would mostly be like. Several times during that month, I felt close to having panic attacks and a few times I almost just walked away from the hospital during a duty shift. Over the subsequent weeks, my depression and anxiety reached peak levels as I would approach nights or weekends on call. I became suicidal and one morning in particular I lay awake for an hour before getting up for a 24 hour call shift. The whole hour I was thinking I could kill myself and not have to deal with the pressure anymore. I was able to talk myself out of suicide, but then I was going to call in and take the day off. I got up, slowly got ready for work, but walking out the door, closing and locking it, then finally setting off toward the hospital each felt like trying to push through a physical barrier.

Later that day, a senior resident asked how I was doing and I opened up to him about my struggles. That was the impetus for getting me some help. The Reader's Digest version of the seven weeks between then and now is that I and the program director agreed that I would take some time off to get some psychiatric treatment and therapy. I vascillated on whether I could go back to work, but after starting therapy, I was starting to think that with continued therapy and psychiatric medications, I could get back to duties and at least finish the internship year. Ultimately I decided, however, that my desire to get back to the program was based mostly on what I thought other people would expect of me and on what seemed like the most financially sound decision. I realized that what I had for so long planned on doing in medicine and wanted to get out of medicine could never happen. I felt like I was working extremely hard for something that would never pay off in the long run. There is more depth to the situation, but that's the gist.

My plan at this point is to move home and become a tutor. The most fulfilled I have ever felt in life was when I was a tutor, figuring out on the fly how best to explain concepts to students so they will understand. I may look into formal teaching as well, but that is a decision for a later day. My mom has been gracious enough to open her spare room to me, which will help a lot with finances in the short term. I'll figure out something to do for work if tutoring doesn't pay the bills at first. I would like some assurance that I could make student loan payments while living comfortably on my own, but despite that uncertainty about the future, I feel a sense of freedom and lightness. I am more hopeful about the future now, even if I have no clue what it holds.

Scott